What if...

Do you ever think about the “What ifs”?

How would your life be different if things had not gone the way they did?

I often take a moment to analyze where I am and how I got here. I never look back and say to myself, “Oh, I should have worked harder” or “I made a big mistake in doing that” or even “I would have been much happier if…” 

Whether or not everything happens for a reason, everything happens, and very little of it is in our control. 

Yesterday, as I was making monkey bread to take to a friend’s house, I started thinking about where I am now and how it’s not at all where I’d imagined I would be two years ago…

Imagine today is November 22nd, 2007.

It’s Thanksgiving, and I’m at my grandpa’s house.  My cousin’s daughter 18-month-old daughter is sitting on my lap, tasting all of the various foods on my plate while my grandpa asks me if I’m done with school yet. 

“Not yet.  About one more year,” I tell him.  We realized some time ago that it’s pointless trying to explain grad school to someone who did just fine supporting his family with only an eighth grade education.  He can barely hear me, anyway.

My plan is as follows: be accepted to Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, graduate from Oberlin College in the spring, attend Harvard for a year, graduate from Harvard with a Master’s in Art Education in Spring 2009, get a job, get a puppy… in two years, I should have my life together.

I mean, when I visited, I fell in love with Harvard and Harvard fell in love with me, so I’m practically in, and everything should just fall into place.  I’ve worked so hard to get this; this is just right for me.

Alright, back to present day.

...life didn’t work out as I had planned. 

Instead of having a job, a place of my own, a Master’s degree in Art Ed from Harvard, and a puppy, I am currently unemployed/working on starting my own business, live with my mom, am working on a Master’s degree in Socially Responsible Business from Goddard, and am still anxiously awaiting that puppy.

However, when I think about it, I am pretty okay with where I am and where I’m going.  If I had worked harder and had gotten into Harvard, I might have missed out on a lot of people and places and things that have really affected my life…  the people I’ve met, the friendships I’ve nurtured, the boys I’ve dated, the places I’ve been, the skills I’ve acquired, the revelations, the triumphs, the heartbreak, the epiphanies…

It occurred to me again last night, as I talked to my [new] friend David about start-ups, business models, making projections, and marketing; Trina circa 2007 would have been baffled and confused by the knowledge and skills I have attained since then, whereas for Trina circa 2009, it has become second nature.

Just to be clear, every time my life doesn’t go as planned, I don’t just pop right back and brush myself off, heading off optimistically in a new direction.  I know that (despite my efforts), I cannot plan my life, and sometimes I’m going to be disappointed, even heartbroken or traumatized.  However, I also know that I have had my world turned upside-down and shaken on numerous occasions, and each time I managed to recover and make the most of it.

So, what if I fail?  What if Pretty Smart Stuff just doesn’t work out and my life’s plans are tossed into a trash compactor?

I don’t know.

...but I always seem to figure out something, right?